that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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