bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
