Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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