Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize