Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i think i just lost a toe
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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