It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
