You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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