If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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