dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
