i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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