Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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