im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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