he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
being pregnant is like rehab
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
