Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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