apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You've changed since you got that strap on
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
