Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
