I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize