If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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