When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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