I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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