My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
