so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
