So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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