I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
