I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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