You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
