Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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