You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
