I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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