just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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