Betty ford says i'm here all night
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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