Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Two words: blizzard sex
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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