So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
