im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So apparently I’m into choking now
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
