you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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