I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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