I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
