Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
