My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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