Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
