she is the kim kardashian of front butts
we're making bets on your personal life
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
