My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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