Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize