you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
