Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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