I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
