Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Did I show you my penis last night?
where are you?
Hypothermia
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
