My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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