feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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