I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
