I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
