Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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