i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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