Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
