I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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