I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
